Rest in peace Derek Shepherd

Just come back, how can we keep going without you ? It's the most unexpected news and the most sad one since the start of the tv show, 11 years ago.  Nothing could have prepared us for such a tragedy. Nothing in this episode could calm me down. I couldn't breath anymore and it's been a long time since I've cried like that, and I don't think one day I will be over his death. 

He's the reason I started to believe in love because his relationship with Meredith and because he is McDreamy and he's also the reason why I started to watch Grey's Anatomy, and Grey's Anatomy was the reason I fell in love with tv shows and this is the reason Ness'Words exists, it will be no Ness' Words without Derek Shepherd, Derek Shepherd = Ness'Words, and I can assure you that while I'm writing this, I'm crying because I can't imagine Grey's Anatomy without McDreamy and without MerDer who was for me the one true love.

Some death are heartbreaking but beautiful. It wasn't the case here where every moment in the second part made us cry. It was hard enough to see Derek dying when her relationship with Meredith was perfect and he had to makes his last breath in the middle of incompetent doctors too busy watching their navels to give him the best cares.  No, nothing in this episode will do justice to the wonderful surgeon and outstanding man that was Derek Shepherd. No, nothing will lick our wounds and make this loss to the less acceptable. Because yes, Derek knew he was gonna die and just the idea that he had to been through this alone is enough to dig a blank space in our heart and nothing will relieve it. 

So let's review these unsustainable and destructive forty minutes.

While, We didn't have any news from Derek in the last episode, it's in the heart of this day that the episode of the week was starting. After a ferry boat crossing, the surgeon takes his car and heads to his appointment but nothing would happen as planned. A car is approaching at full speed and it seems that the driver is losing control of his car.

Following this unfortunate race through Derek's eyes, the worst is when a skid causes a spectacular crash that the doctor manages to narrowly avoid.His presence is a blessing for all those people whose life hangs by a thread. A mother with her young daughter and two students depend entirely on him. So it is with the bravery and heroism that we know he had that Derek will spend half of the episode to save everyone.  

From patients by patients as he would have done if he was in his hospital, Derek provides care to everyone ignoring the responsibility of certain people in this horrible accident. Speaking calmly and smoothly, the doctor proves once again how he is made for this job. 

Quickly - and this is where we could start to worry because everything was just too fast - ambulances arrived on the scene. Everyone is supported and repatriated to the nearest hospital. The little girl has forged a special relationship with Derek as he managed to reassure her by showing her how to take a pulse. 

First moment of emotion coming from a long list: she takes him in her arms and thanked him. Her gesture deeply touched Derek as he headed back to his car. His phone rings and we know that is Meredith. The surgeon makes a proof of recklessness and remains in the middle of the road. Two seconds of inattention and this will be enough for a truck overturned his car.

The second part of the episode starts, so are the tears. Because if Derek can't speak, he can think, he knows that the surgeons around him don't care him well. He knows he's gonna die. Him, our handsome and generous Derek knows that his life will stop here far from the people he loves in a unorganized and cold hospital. He knows he's gonna say goodbye to his life knowing that he could be save. How can we accept that?  He does not die in grace, he died alone and helpless. He dies while his life was resumed meaning again, while he was more in love than ever. Why? Because no one wanted to listen a resident who wanted to do a HEAD CT! 

But the worst is coming...  Back in Seattle at the same time the episode was completed last week. Yes, Meredith could panic, she might succumb to her demons but Meredith remains worthy. She knew. At the exact moment when the police arrived at her door, she knew. In an incredible despair, she imagines to find him alive so do we. Because this scene was probably the cruelest ever staged in an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Doubts persisted, it was thin and trivial but it was still present.  We believed 5 seconds with Meredith. We almost ... almost was relieved because this scene lasts a flash and we plunges willingly or forcibly disarming in this reality. 

Derek is dead and Meredith must act. And she does not sink, she does not scream. Her dignity is an incredible force. She holds good for the one who changed herlife for the one she loved at first glance, at the first kiss. She even found the courage to comfort the surgeon who regrets not having been more firm.

Yes, Meredith became the sun but she lost her star. And nothing will ever be the same in our hearts and in Meredith's heart. The episode ends on the last breath of Derek et the harder words to hear at this exact moment : "It's okay, you go. We'll be fine." It that really possible? By what miracle Meredith she could recover from such a loss? She has already lost so much? Shonda Rhimes is definitely capable of anything and fans of the first hour, this hypothesis had already crossed our minds. 

But to see happen is a different story. The episode next week will last two hours and will allow us to do our mourning. But can we really accept this loss? Can the ABC series is back on the road after the death of an iconic and charismatic character? There is a safe bet it does! But the question remains: what awaits Meredith? She could live without it, but she has ever wanted. Will it be rebuilt? We will have to wait to find out!

For the rest you have to trust me,

May the odds be ever in your favor,

RIP MCDREAMY,

You know you love me

XOXO

NESS